Death and birth are two constants in our human experience. The sandwich generation straddles these two experiences and more of us are fighting the fight to keep our parents healthy and financially stable all while we work and drive our kids to school plays and sports games. It is exhausting and we often find ourselves focused on what needs to be done tomorrow or done by the end of the week. We don't have time for the big thoughts that involve the upcoming emotional loss of a parent and the practical things around a loved one dying.
Facing the imminent death of a loved one is one of life’s most challenging experiences. The emotional weight of grief can be compounded by the daunting decisions that must be made regarding the final resting place. Unfortunately, many families find themselves navigating this terrain under extreme pressure, leading to hasty decisions that can have long-lasting financial implications. Planning ahead can ease this burden and provide clarity during a time of profound sorrow.
Ignoring these preparations does not delay the inevitable passing of a loved one. Through my personal experiences, my sister and I spent years with our focus on "fixing" and helping our dad get better from a fall, from complications of Parkinson's, from the ever recurring UTI our parents get as they age. As our dad declined, we were fortunate to engage hospice in the final month before he passed. For my entire family, my dad included, entering hospice represented a time we shifted from how to get my dad better to how can we make him comfortable. The transition to hospice inevitably turned our thoughts to what comes "after."
The Importance of Planning Ahead
According to the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA), the average cost of a funeral can range from $7,000 to $12,000. This figure often excludes additional expenses such as burial plots, cremation urns, and headstones. Here’s a closer look at these specific costs:
- Burial Plots: The price of a burial plot can vary widely depending on location, cemetery type, and plot size. On average, families can expect to pay between $1,000 and $4,000 for a single plot, with some urban areas charging significantly more.
- Cremation Urns: If your loved one chooses cremation, urns purchased from funeral homes typically range from $100 to over $1,000, depending on materials and customization options. More intricate or personalized urns can lead to higher costs, further emphasizing the need for prior planning.
- Headstones: The cost of headstones can also vary significantly. A simple flat marker may cost around $2,000, while more elaborate headstones can range from $3,000 to $10,000 or more. Trying to get pricing can be like buying a car. There are so many options ranging from the size, to the type of stone to the polish to the type of engraving and optional adornments. These prices can increase based on engraving, material, and design complexity. Just last week I was trying to get pricing and the best I could get from 2 memorial providers that I visited in person was around $5-6,000 for a pretty standard Vermont granite with engraving and no adornments. The wait time was about 4 months from order too.
When families are unprepared and feel they lack the time to research options, expenses can increase significantly. Some may mistakenly believe that price shopping implies they care less, which can result in financial difficulties when families are least equipped to handle them. Moreover, making decisions under pressure may lead to choices that do not reflect the deceased's wishes or the family's values.
Planning for a loved one's final resting place in advance allows families to make informed decisions, consider personal preferences, and avoid the emotional turmoil that often accompanies urgent choices. Here are the top five steps to take in preparation for a loved one’s passing, ensuring that their final journey is handled with dignity and respect.
Discuss Preferences Openly As a Family
The first step in preparing for a loved one's final resting place is to have an open and honest conversation about their preferences. Starting the discussion can be challenging for everyone, but it is essential. My family found Five Wishes was an excellent resource our hospice provider shared. The 5 Wishes booklet is easy to follow and helped us start to talk and think about making my dad's passing good for him (and us). In addition to the topics in Five Wishes, here are some additional points to consider during these conversations:
- Burial vs Cremation vs Other Alternatives:Understanding whether your loved one prefers burial, cremation, or alternative methods is crucial. Some cultures emphasis land burial while others prefer cremation. Each option carries different emotional and financial implications and lead times. For example, it surprised my family that there was a thing called direct cremation services for families who know in advance they aren't having a big service or who are planning a celebration of life somewhere more meaningful for the family. I did the research, because I wasn't sure if it was like a second rate service. We found direct cremation was a significantly cheaper option and because we had time when my dad entered hospice, I had the time to look into things and make a decision that was best for my family while also making sure my dad would be in good hands. For us, it was still a very personal experience with great staff that took good care of my dad and my family. They even had a chapel for memorials. On the other hand, even though direct cremation was an option where my mother-in-law was, their family felt more comfortable using a funeral home one of their friends used even though she was being cremated and we were not holding a service. It is a personal decision, but I feel my in-laws chose a more traditional path because they had not felt they could do the research while she was alive and they needed to make a quick decision once she passed.
- Location: When discussing preferences for the final resting place, some individuals may opt for a burial plot, while others might choose a creamation niche, columbarium or even a for cremated remains. Most people don't want to keep the ashes, but also don't want to dispose of them. With people moving around much more, it is also important to consider where the remains should be. If they are not local to you, is it important for their remains to stay where they lived or is it more important for them to be closer to family who can visit the final resting place?
- Funeral Arrangements: Talk about the type of service they would like, including any religious or cultural traditions they wish to honor. Again the Five Wishes booklet was a great resource for us. My dad was raised Catholic, but was not active. However, he decided he wanted a bible verse read at his celebration of life and he wanted music. We would have never thought that was something he wanted unless we braved the discussion. We also found that he didn't want his remains scattered at Yankee stadium (his favorite team).
Engaging in these discussions not only helps alleviate stress during a difficult time but also ensures that your loved one’s wishes are respected. I also felt I could actually do something other than sit and wait for him to die. My sister and I talked to our parents about their parents and family members' passing. It ended up being a nice way to bring our ancestors into the discussion and remind us all that family was waiting for my dad.
2. Research Final Resting Places
Once you have a better understanding of your loved one's preferences, the next step is to research potential final resting places. Here are some factors to consider:
- Cemeteries: Investigate local cemeteries to understand their policies, costs, and available plots. Some cemeteries offer unique options, such as natural burials or eco-friendly memorial gardens.
It is worth it to ask if a family plot had been purchased at some point. Many of our parents bought plots as a way to reduce our burden, but they may not have shared the details. If they bought a plot at a location the family isn't close to any longer, check with the cemetery to see if they can refund some or all of the cost. There is also a site where you can resell plots you no longer need. The funeral home can help, but there are also online sites like Grave Solutions that offer options to list and purchase plots. Again - - having lead time will give you options.
If selecting a burial site, it is important to be aware of the permitted types of markers at the cemetery you chose BEFORE you select a marker. The funeral home may suggest cemeteries, which in turn may recommend memorial companies that are familiar with their guidelines. Cemeteries can't require you to purchase markers from them directly or via their preferred suppliers, but they often tack on oversight fees that can eat up any savings. Either way - - you need to ask about the rules on size and materials and find out who has to do what for what fees. There is the marker itself plus the foundation and the labor to set the stone or placque.
- Cremation Services: If your loved one prefers cremation, explore local cremation providers. Look for facilities that offer personalized services and respect for the remains.
For those choosing a cremation niche or columbarium, you want to know the dimensions of the space BEFORE picking out the urn. My mother-in-law passed away, and the family selected a very nice urn they thought she would like from the funeral home for several hundred dollars within a day of her passing while they were in deep mourning. But my father-in-law didn't know where she was ultimately going to rest since they relocated down south away from our family a couple of years ago. Even though she was in declining health for a couple of years, they didn't want to plan for death because it seemed like they would be giving up. Through no fault of their own, they selected an urn that took up the entire space of a standard columbarium space, and it would not be big enough for her husband's remains once he passes. Moving her to a different urn was unappealing for a variety of reasons, so we had to purchase 2 columbarium spaces side by side for a lot more money than if we planned ahead.
- Memorial Parks: These areas often provide beautiful, serene settings for both burial and cremation, often with additional memorialization options.
Taking the time to visit these places can help you and your loved one feel more comfortable with the choices available.
3. Pre-Purchase Burial Plots or Cremation Services
One of the most significant financial decisions in planning for a loved one's final resting place is the potential pre-purchase of burial plots or cremation services. This step not only alleviates financial pressure later on but also provides peace of mind knowing that arrangements are taken care of.
One thing to consider though is how likely are things to change? For example, my grandfather and grandmother moved to Florida when I was a kid and he purchased a cremation niche for my grandmother when she passed where he would be placed later. He went on to live many more years and relocated closer to family once he needed more care. He was eventaully buried in Maryland once he passed. There is still an open space in Florida he never used.
Here are some additional reasons pre-planning considerations:
- Cost Savings: Many cemeteries and cremation services offer discounts for pre-purchases, potentially saving families thousands of dollars. Prices can increase over time, so locking in current rates may be a wise choice.
- Availability: Pre-purchasing ensures that your loved one's desired location is secured, preventing potential conflicts with other family members or changing availability.
- Personalization: Pre-arranging services allows for more personalized planning, ensuring that your loved one’s preferences are honored.
Make sure to keep all documentation organized and accessible for family members to reference when needed.
4. Create a Comprehensive Plan for a Dying Loved One
In addition to discussing preferences and securing arrangements, creating a comprehensive plan that outlines every aspect of the final resting process can be invaluable. This plan should include:
- Detailed Instructions: Write down your loved one’s wishes regarding burial or cremation, any specific requests for memorial services, and any other relevant details.
- Contact Information: Include the names and contact information of the funeral home, cemetery, or cremation service providers you’ve chosen. This makes it easier for family members to coordinate logistics when the time comes.
- Financial Considerations: Document any pre-paid arrangements, insurance policies, or other financial resources that will be used for the final expenses. This will simplify the process for those handling the arrangements.
Having a clear, organized plan can significantly reduce the stress on family members during an already challenging time.
5. Consider Legal and Financial Matters
Lastly, addressing the legal and financial aspects related to your loved one’s final resting place is crucial. This includes:
- Will and Trust: Ensure that your loved one’s will includes their wishes regarding their final resting place. If they have a trust, make sure it outlines any relevant instructions.
- Advance Directives: Discuss the importance of advance directives, which can clarify medical and end-of-life decisions. This can help avoid disputes among family members later on.
- Funding Arrangements: Consider establishing a designated fund or insurance policy that will specifically cover funeral and burial costs. This can alleviate the financial burden from family members.
By addressing these legal and financial matters in advance, families can prevent complications and disputes that often arise during emotionally charged times.
Conclusion
Preparing for the final resting place of a loved one is a deeply personal and often difficult process. However, by engaging in open conversations, researching options, pre-purchasing arrangements, creating comprehensive plans, and considering legal and financial matters, families can ensure that their loved one’s final journey is handled with the respect and dignity it deserves.
In the end, while it is impossible to eliminate the grief that accompanies the loss of a loved one, taking these proactive steps can significantly ease the burdens of decision-making during one of life’s most challenging moments. By planning ahead, families can honor their loved ones’ wishes and create a meaningful farewell that reflects their life and legacy.
Next Topic: Top considerations when selecting a grave marker. What no one tells you before you need one.
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